How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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