There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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