Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize