I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
