I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
