She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
