I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
