Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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