thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
