You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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