my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
