He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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