Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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