You smell like stripper and shame
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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