Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
