My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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