when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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