"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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