the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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