Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
