Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
