Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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