my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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