you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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