Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
