Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
