I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize