two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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