This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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