I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
