Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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