It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
