I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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