literally had 100 drinks last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
