I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
