my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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