i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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