Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
