I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
