just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
