Your favorite bartender is back from prision
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
