it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
