I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
