I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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