I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
3 2 1 whiskey
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
