We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
