Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
