I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
