That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
