Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
