shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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