Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
These tits shall not be calmed
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
