I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Girls should come with a carfax report
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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