I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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