i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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