found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
sex in a hospital.. check
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
