I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize