how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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