i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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