I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize