guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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