I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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