a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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